Medo de Perder

As I walk away, I am soo afraid to lose you
so afraid, so afraid I walk away.
In your eyes
is every day we've spent together
every day we walked away
from life
in your eyes
so green and blue for me
as I walk
as I walk away to the horizon
In my dreams, there's only you
you are in my dreams
all my dreams
you're in me and I'm in you.
When you're not there
and walk away, I cry.
As I back
I back away
a tear slips into time
into the day
into the day
thats yours and mine
as I walk away.
And when I close my eyes
you fly away
you fly into the sky
you fly away, fly far far away
you fly into the sky.
So I walk away, walk walk away
and leave it all behind.
I walk away
far far far away
to get you off my mind.
Until the day
I walk away
walk walk away
and you are right behind.


Close close close close close close close close

Churrasco(BBQ)

They all came out. The whole clinic, Gaby, Amanda, Nando, Faby and everyone we could have imagined came out to our last bbq to celebrate our time here and say our last goodbyes. This was the sunday before we left for the amazons, it was real fun. Christopher and Vinissus, though they are not in this picture cuz they had left by this time, were the first to Brazillians we met in Brazil. The first day we got here, they brought us around town-I with Christopher and Caleb with Vinissus-to teach us the bus system and show us around. We spoke nothing of Portuguese-it was hillarious. Chris was trying to follow my spanish. We did not see them for the next three months, so I have to say, it was pretty rewarding to see the show up in the end at this party. It was also rewarding to be able to actually have a full conversation with them!

We ate, we sang and danced and drank and said goodbye. It was a beautiful goodbye that I will always appreciate and remember. I got to say goodbye to my little Nicoli(Rafaela's daughter from some of the first blogs) although she was mad at me because she wanted me to play barbie the whole time.

I have to shout out my Philly chick fab. Woman, you have gone to the end of the earth to come see our asses and we appreciate. She took like 2 buses for a total travel time of like, 2 hrs to come spend a few hours with us on our final day.

Most memorable moment? Back of the pickup with Fab, Nando, the cleaning lady and her husband who was trying to get Fab to take his children to America and three adorable little kids. Laughing as we sped down the highway hair blowing in the wind. Good times. Thanks guys.

Desabafo-Outflow

Went to a hip hop concert I loved. Had to add this song. "Desabafo" means outflow-the chorus is"Let me say what I think about this life, I really need to let it out." The dude is Marcel D2-If you like him, look him up. He's considered the real stuff down here. It makes me think, you know-i want look at hip hop all over the world. This right here is why hip hop is my favorite genre. Keep flowing my people.

Umm....Reggae?

Did I really not put on any of Nando's Reggae?? My man is crazy for the stuff. It's his crack. Brazillians live reggae. You know what, they love music period my man. No matter the color the race the background you will find a brazillian listening to pop, reggae, bossanova, jazz, blues, hip hop, up in a rave...there are not those stereotypes like we have. Reggae is their flow...free and spiritual like them. Yea, thats what they are, free and spiritual. Like riding a motorcycle down the Pacific Coast Highway letting your dreads fly free. I'm going to put some pictures of the reggae feel from the second concert we went to and play you some Groundation. It's this band from Cali they love that does mainly Bob Marley standards. This second band was brazillian but I can't remember the name of it. I think it was Ponto de Equilibrio. Yea, u bought to hear some real popular stuff in Brazil.

This may just seem like some chill laid back reggae to you, but you play this for a Brazillian and you may as well be playing hardcore rock for a metal head...it rocks their friggin worlds. Forget it all, I'm gonna be a reggae artist!

Rio Graffiti

This was a sight I genuinely appreciated over in Rio. The artistry of this vandalism was magnificent. The further inner city we went in Rio, the more complex and abstract the art became. We traveled up an old school trolley to look at the whole city from above, the view was marvelous. Rio is really something, there is a culture here that I would need years to fully comprehend. As I was there, I tried my best to read through the lines and make assumptions through observing the art.

If you look at this, there is something about the building that looks like it needs to be torn down, but at the same time saved for historic or artistic reasons.


Capoiera, a woman juggling, and Maxwell reading a book. Nailed it.


Us in the cute little trolley! Yes, my eyes are open. I have come to accept, my eyes just look like that.


At the top of the hill, we descended and took these side stairs down into a little area to view some ruins. There are still some things that I don't under
stand, like...why are there ruins in Rio? Why is nothing being done with this space? Everything here was very steep and covered in growth, it was pretty...it was almost like a city deteriorated and grew into a wild garden. More proof of the contrast that is Rio de Janeiro.


This was my favorite one. Could I tell you what it means? No. I think maybe you are on a train blasting into the future and then your train gets stung by a giant green electronic jellyfish. That's just a guess. I'm sure you can come up with something better.


Ima close it with this one-a collaborative effort. God how I miss New York.

The Last List

These songs mean a lot to me...these are probably the ones I will bump hard on those headphones Chris got me when I come back home. I found Vanessa de Mata in Rio listening to the radio, and then in a club underneath the Arcos de Lappa. Since I found her I can't stop listening, her melodies are spiritual...I'm feeling it hard.
Nao me Deixa So-Don't leave me alone. Its a little girl singing about how she is afraid of the dark and ghosts but she knows how to fight back if she has to. Its precious
Boa Sorte-this is my anthem for Brazil...it feels like its all coming to an end...the words are half in english song by the talented Ben Harper so you'll get the gist of the song.

Nacao Zumbi-hip hop with a nordestino indian flow, something real different this cat put me on to in a fair in Rio...check them out for real. These song has a lot of meaning for me too. This one joint is called Mormaco: And the words are "Ta Fazendo sol, vai chover. Ya nasceu mais um, pra morrer"(Its hot out and its gunna rain, One more was born in order to die) This scream Favelas in rio. I was out there the one week over 300 people died in the mudslides in Rio. They die because of rain because of the poor structure of their houses. Its crazy how something as simple as rain really paralyzes a whole city.

Gilberto Gil is a voice without restrictions. Chiclete com Banana is a perfect demonstration of his voice and his steez, he lets in run free over a tropical beat. Actually, he isnt really confined to a genre, thats why I love him so much. This song, chiclete com banana, will always make me remember that night with Shela and Daniel eating churassco-servings of meet carved in front of you, drinking sweet wine.

The last one is not a Brazillian song-it is Skinnny love by Bon Iver and I am rocking it. Its about love and loss. Hope you enjoy. This songs are my heart put to melody.

Ficar

This is from the 1st week when I got here-a little reflection on the meaning of the word"ficar" in portuguese. Yea, its not until now that I have had internet fast enough to upload videos, I def didnt think about that possibility before I left for Brazil.

Road less Travelled By

There was a road in the center of Terra Vermelha that led to a world of question. When I began this blog, I was thinking of writing of fantastical things that never occurred, magical things that the beauty of Brazil would inspire me to create in my mind. But Brazil did not require my creativity. I took that road, man. I rode the bicycle in the rain on it, I climbed it up a mountain I walked into a waterfall, took fruits from the Jabichucaba tree, told vulgar jokes and never got tired of caipirinhas. And it was magical. I want to ask you because I do not yet know the answer, who will I be when I get back? What will I do with all of the love that I have grown? The truth is that the road is in my mind, I do not only take it-I made it. I got my chucks filthy with the red dirt of the earth and I breathed new life into me. I do not see the world the same, but does it see me the same?

I am on the plane. The next ten days I will be in Santarem, the Amazon, with Caleb finishing off our course in the one place I have wanted to be since I was literally 8 years old. I never slept during naptime in P.S. 87, mommy. I’d crawl into our little play area with the bookshelf and look through all the books until I found Brazil. The city girl had never seen anything greener. My eyes were bright with desire. I am here, 12 years older. Dreams do come true. It was not a dream and it was not magic. I am here. By the shores of the Amazon, I will be remembering the best time I have had in my life. Ten days to bridge the gap in between here and there. In my heart is my family in Brazil and on the other side there is staying up late with you daddy and watching family guy. There was boating across the port to class with my little political activist, Tiago and there is driving listening to Jack Johnson with Chris. There’s apple picking in the fall with the people I love most and there’s singing old school Reggae with Jardel in the condominium. Night and Day, Day and Night have been redefined. I am in a different skin and my heart has been stretched across the atlantic. It isn’t fair to them, to you guys or to me that I cannot be in all of these places at the same time. I always joke with Fernando about how funny it is I can’t really express deep things in Portuguese cause of the limit of the language. The last thing I told him before I left was that my heart was hurting. I am a child again.

Paulo, I have been born again in the Amazon singing 5 million different languages.

I told you I would

Finally....I have been blessed with the most beautiful tastes in this world and I am hear to share with you a part of this happiness. This, I know, has again been long overdued but here it is. The food I had in Rio was the best food I have had in my life. There, I said it. It is the best food I have had in my life ever. I will not explain to you why. I will just show you some of the sights I took with the gourmet feature on my camera:

Exhibit 1: The ultimate snack(lanche)
Suco de Morango(Strawberry Juice) and Grilled Cheese
The juice was sweetened to a perfection and the grilled cheese was not your regular grilled cheese. Paulo, you remember how boss the grilled cheese we used to eat at Wyntons place? This was like that times ten. Inside this baby is american cheese laid on this, bananas and cinnamon. Strange combination but Im telling you--BANGING. Im takin that baby home.



Exhibit 2: Israeli joint
If your from New York, this spread is nothing exotic but it sure felt nice to get a taste of home with a little hummus and babaganush. Does it kind of ruin the point when you overeat healthy food? I think so.
The coffee at this restaurant sucked tho! I´m so used to the crazy sweet cafe com leite now that its hard to go back to bitter. Caleb seemed to like it though.




Exhibit 3: Kilo Club
Here, a kinda restaurant that is very popular is called the kilo restaurant(mommy and amanda came with me to one that time we went to lunch with the other amanda). You head to a buffet with a giant ass plate and stack up, but you have to be careful cuz you weigh your plate after and pay by how much you took. Its kind of strange to actually have to read how much you ate but it has the advantage of encouraging you to be conscious of both how much you eat and how much you spend at the same time!


Exhibit 4: MMMMMMMM
Ok, I mean I didnt actually eat this but you know i just had to show you. They do not play around with their cakes man, I remember I was sent to another district to purchase the perfect cake for Caleb for his birthday. Brazillians and their sweets man.


Exhibit 5: The problem
Rodizio-Do you know what that is? We do have some Brazillian stlye Rodizios sprinkled throughout the states and you have to say Brazillian style because their is nowhere in the world that throws down like this. This right here is the reason I cant do more than drink teas and eat soup right now. Seriously- even you dont know what it is you missing out. You sit at a table and pay a fixed fee, buffet stlye- you get unlimited access to all kinds of crazy meat-lamb, chicken, beef, fish, pork, some real high end places even have alligator. But before you get to excited, watch out...they sorround you with appetizers and a big old buffet table to fill you up so that you dont eat up all their meat. A true rodizio expert waits for the best meat at the end(Picanha Paulo and I think) and leave the starches behind! You even gotta be careful what you drink. You dont eat anything else in the day(or maybe even the day before) and when you begin, you take large breaths. Dont drink too much water cuz it will fill. Drink a little to clean the palate a wash it down. Brazillians dont play about their meats. If you need a time out, take it. Do what you have to do. Ben, this might be the place for you.

Alright an let me put you on to something that Im also bringing to the states...they eat their meat with a lil vinagrette on top, but its not jus the vinegar check this out I made it for calebs bday:
diced tomatoes
diced green peppers
diced onions
oil
vinegar
and some chopped up scallions
=
Boss





I am currently at this state. Chill with it Brazil, I tap out.

Corcovado

Today was dewey like the springtime in NYC-reminiscent of my past life, when I was something empty dressed in pollution and graffiti. Rio was really something-what a view, mountain tops sprinkled with favelas and Christ suspended with arms stretched out wide overlooking the whole world. Corcovado-Christ the reedemer. There is only so much you can learn of the soul of a city in a week, but I sure got some great pictures. From the nightlife of the bohemian village underneath the aquaducts of lappa to the beautiful ipanema beach stretched around the city-Rio is to die for. We stayed in this beautiful two story mansion with this couple from Brooklyn who takes pictures for Mike, the owner of the house. The place was supervised by Mikes partner John, who was sadly sick for half of the time.


This week we ran around like crazy seeing sites, trying new foods, nw beaches, meeting new people and going to meetings with different doctors. The climate was nice and cool over here, so I slepty better than Ive slept in all of my vacation. Im talking that 10/11 hours kinds a sleep. Yea, I indulged.

I wanna start by talking about the religious side of Rio, corcovado is like the catholic capital of the world-everybody recognizes that image in the sky as a practical symbol of Brazil. It is true that the country is majorly catholic, but evangelics are on the rise. It is interesting to observe what christianity is here. It takes on its own color and character which is uniquely Brazillian. You have the same bible stories, symbols, saints and prayers-but there is something uniquely open about this christianity. My friend invited me to her Baptist church once and told me I could choose between the regular one or the reggae one. I looked at her like she was crazy but she didn´t flinch, she really goes to a reggae church man-thats boss.


There is something alive in their love of God. There is some real genuine connection between their words and actions. When the speak of God, it doesnt feel like hollow words echoing through a hallway-there is something personal in it that I have never seen before. Here, I have gone to church once or twice only, but I have to say I have prayed more than ever in my life. I work at an adventist organization and we pray once with the children and then with the staff. Every day we pray for the health and safety of the children. When I leave to walk out of Terra Vermelha every day and hear "Fica com Deus" or "stay with God"-there is not judgment or hesitation in the voice that says it-it rolls of the tongue like saying, be careful, or watch yourself out there. We pray for the best and we need it. Its not a joke or a motion-they could use all the help they can get.

This was an interesting little performance Caleb, Geli and I stopped to see by this young girl from Georgia who came to Rio to spread the word of God. It was a cute little short story about a young girl who had a whole in her heart that she tried to fill with money, drugs, men and technology and finally tried to kill herself. Nothing was enough to fill her whole. Then she talked about how the narrow path to God as the only way to fill that whole. The woman on the left is the Brazillian translator. It was a really cute story that she wrote with love, and Rio was the perfect spot for this little church group.

At the end, they asked if anyone was saved today by learning the words of God, and this character down here was the only one who raised his hand. Chillin on the floor listening to this woman talking about salvation while looking at Corcovado high in the cloudy sky-what a view homie had.

Until I get the real Rio pictures up, I found a Ukelele and 20,000 leagues under the sea in Portuguese

My Little Playmate

If I could have captured the moment when my mother and sister slowly walked to the gate of Cadec and questioned whether Stefani and Vivia were really walking in the street to go home alone, I could have dumped out every photo in my mother's iphone. Nothing was more expressive than the cultural shock they experienced in that moment when they quietly watched, not saying it was wrong or right.... only visibly touched.

My sister didnt know a word of portuguese and the kids knew nothing of english but somehow the connection was stronger than any other first time connection my sister has built back home. They followed her, and hugged her and loved her(especially this my little Andres from the photo)and Amanda adored it. So did mommy and I. I was proud of how warm my little monkeys were to my family.

My family, so clearly out of place in the rural slums of Terra Vermelha, fell right into the warmth that is Cadec. They loved them. If my sister was there a week longer, shed have herself a Brazillian boyfriend too! Parting was difficult on all sides, but there is something universal that my sister learned here-love and friendship. There is no pretense here, these children wear their heart on their sleeves and I'm sure my sister appreciated a break from the cold. Who wouldn't. I had her sit with the kids in the heat for a while and do the activities they had to do to see what the life is like. She was a little uncomfortable at first but she was sorrounded by smiling faces. You learn soon that these smiling faces could coax you into anything.

Do you remember the childhood handgame, my little playmate? It was ringing in my head the whole time I watched Amanda and Andres play...words can not describe how far their worlds were apart but nothing would stand in the way of this fun. You don't need a rainbow or a dolly....not if this love thing lasts...

"My little playmate, come out and play with me
and bring your dolly three
climb up my apple tree
slide down my rainbow
into my cellar door
and we'll be jolly friends
forever more, forever more.


I'm sorry playmate
I can not play with you
My dolly has a flu
Boo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo
I have no rainbow
I have no cellar door
but we'll be jolly friends
forever more, forever more..."

The Weight of Return

Its just Tigger and I now. Suffering under the weight of love and uncertainty. Today I am renewed, today is to start a week in Rio in a grand furnished mansion on copacabana. Imagina. The library filled with scholarly works in english, portuguese, spanish, french and Italian, the owners of this place are regular academics. I have much updating today, my mother and sister came a week ago and it was a marvellous cross cultural experience that I hope they will never forget. But what a short time a week is. I will give a full update when I have all of those pictures for you.

I am reminded by how soon I am going home, as this program winds down, one of the final assignments is to work on a grant writing assignment that I may actually put into application in real life, about my chocolate factory. All of my dreams are swimming through my head again. Today I met to scientists at the DNDi institute in Brazil who work on bringing affordable remedies to sufferers of infectious tropical diseases. My heart listened closely to their words and their passion. I long for that feeling, that feeling of doing just the thing you love. How crisp and refreshing it must taste to put meaning to all your words and dreams. To manifest your thoughts and lay out your heart to the world. Gostoza.

My heart is in New York. It is, I love you all and never forget. My blood runs through that land. My dreams all pertain to its betterment and I am fluent in its needs. Im coming home.

So why then do I suffer from this heavy weight on my heart? I remember you warned me about the magic charm of brazillians and told me to be careful what I love. You were right. If they blindfolded me I may skip down that street to nowhere and play forever with the raw emotions of man, never to think again of my place. Their is no currency to measure their brilliance.

Beyond this, I have fallen in love. This week I couldnt eat a bite and I can barely taste a bite. It is strong because its been a while. My body is healthy but Im not feeling well. Love lays heavy on my mind. All along I needed someone to open me up by being himself, lovingly. And here it is-as simple as it could have ever been. I am not rough or cruel or short, I do not have to be nor do I know how. I rode with him on the front of his bike in the rain and he asked me to never leave. Silently I smiled. Finally I told him he was a beautiful talking dream. I have to leave. I want to say this isnt me, but somehow it is. Somehow this dive will prepare me for greater plunges yet. Somehow this risk is but a glimpse of the life sacrifice I will one day take.

The brevity of this trip forces me to name it a beautiful example of happiness. Of what love can be. Otherwise it (and he) would be my life. New York, you better be waiting still or I may let this reggae tide wash over me...