The Weight of Return

Its just Tigger and I now. Suffering under the weight of love and uncertainty. Today I am renewed, today is to start a week in Rio in a grand furnished mansion on copacabana. Imagina. The library filled with scholarly works in english, portuguese, spanish, french and Italian, the owners of this place are regular academics. I have much updating today, my mother and sister came a week ago and it was a marvellous cross cultural experience that I hope they will never forget. But what a short time a week is. I will give a full update when I have all of those pictures for you.

I am reminded by how soon I am going home, as this program winds down, one of the final assignments is to work on a grant writing assignment that I may actually put into application in real life, about my chocolate factory. All of my dreams are swimming through my head again. Today I met to scientists at the DNDi institute in Brazil who work on bringing affordable remedies to sufferers of infectious tropical diseases. My heart listened closely to their words and their passion. I long for that feeling, that feeling of doing just the thing you love. How crisp and refreshing it must taste to put meaning to all your words and dreams. To manifest your thoughts and lay out your heart to the world. Gostoza.

My heart is in New York. It is, I love you all and never forget. My blood runs through that land. My dreams all pertain to its betterment and I am fluent in its needs. Im coming home.

So why then do I suffer from this heavy weight on my heart? I remember you warned me about the magic charm of brazillians and told me to be careful what I love. You were right. If they blindfolded me I may skip down that street to nowhere and play forever with the raw emotions of man, never to think again of my place. Their is no currency to measure their brilliance.

Beyond this, I have fallen in love. This week I couldnt eat a bite and I can barely taste a bite. It is strong because its been a while. My body is healthy but Im not feeling well. Love lays heavy on my mind. All along I needed someone to open me up by being himself, lovingly. And here it is-as simple as it could have ever been. I am not rough or cruel or short, I do not have to be nor do I know how. I rode with him on the front of his bike in the rain and he asked me to never leave. Silently I smiled. Finally I told him he was a beautiful talking dream. I have to leave. I want to say this isnt me, but somehow it is. Somehow this dive will prepare me for greater plunges yet. Somehow this risk is but a glimpse of the life sacrifice I will one day take.

The brevity of this trip forces me to name it a beautiful example of happiness. Of what love can be. Otherwise it (and he) would be my life. New York, you better be waiting still or I may let this reggae tide wash over me...